I feel angry that every time I get a moment to myself, my mind floods with all the possible things there are that I could/should/want to do and then I freeze in this ovewhelm of possibilities and potentials swimming around in my head.

I feel scared that I will choose the wrong thing to do - not make the most of my precious time alone, in my own space.

"What is the best thing to do to make the most of my time?"

And I feel sad that this is the question - that I cannot even relax into being because my to-do list is so long that if I try and lay down to catch up on some sleep, I stay lost in my head, wondering if I've made the right choice - and maybe there is a better use of my time right now.

And even right now, something comes to mind - I've got to send a message - so I pin it in my mind.

I feel sad because I am not living the life I want to live, I feel sad because despite how I want to live, my skillset and capacity is such that I am too scared to even lay my cards on the table and say what it is that I really want - to strip myself naked for all to see. I'm scared that what I want is too much to ask for. So I remain in hiding, covering it up and making it work even though sometimes I'm crumbling inside and my impatience seeps through the cracks. Then my expectation that people see what I'm going through and understand, and will help me if they can and care because everybody is interconnected and raising children is the most important job because they literally become who we are and are the next culture and this is what we are creating, consciously or not! So step the fuck in, people - this job is on your table, whether you join in or not, like it or not. We are all shaping the little people in our presence - they are looking to us to see how it is to be a person.

And I feel anrgy that whole generations of people, myself included, do not know how it goes to raise children, because without the village that is tightly woven and living examples, the wisdom is forgotten and has to be remembered. And I feel angry that people don't know what it's like and what it takes to raise a child and that means that people can just drop their commitments to holding space without an apology because it doesn't work for them anymore. Well fuck, who does it fall back to? Usually me/the mother/a parent who just wants a break or time to do something else important.

And I'm angry that when you pull out of your commitment, the question is 'did you have something organised?' Well-what if what I wanted to do was have some spaciousness, time to reset? I'm angry that I don't have the courage to state that even, like I don't even believe that it's important - so that I can keep this responsible victim piece alive of 'I have to pick up everyone else's pieces, and I'm alone, no-one gets it.' And also this fear of 'I'm asking for too much' - and I can't always challenge them - because this is my child, and ultimately my responsibility - and then here I get a bit lost...

Even if I am responsible, it is not okay for people to back out - the effect can be enormous - and here I can loop back into feeling angry that people don't get what it takes.

I feel angry to rebuild the village, to be able to speak up about what is necessary to raise the children, to be able to spend some time with Elliot alone and also with Elliot and Evelyn together. I feel sad that at the moment, it's either me or Elliot holding space majoritively so that the other can work/get something else done.

I feel angry that Elliot can't hold space/won't for Evelyn to join in doing the washing up when soemtimes that is what is required and angry because I have to make it work sometimes...