Day 1

I feel scared about how much parents rescue their children and how this leads children to keep asking parents to do things for them as if they are incapable. My fear is about parents not wanting to let go of their children, as if they are fulfilling child needs of their own through their children. It's also about creating humans who are incapable of navigating through life.

Day 2

I had a realisation earlier about children learning to give their centre away. Evelyn asked Elliot if it was her turn yet on the guitar. This was a centre giving question. Instead of negotiating, she is deferring to Elliot. I'm scared that parental intervention has the effect of children learning to defer to adults and that m parent ego state also has this effect.. I'm also scared that I am not allowing her to be a child.

Day 3

I feel glad to be able to bring myself more fully into spaces. I was in a worktalk this morning about creating intimacy and I was able to create intimacy there. I feel scared that I have held a story that intimacy is something different than what it really is. Have I been in a fantasy about intimacy, like it is some big, bold, fireworks and missing the small, beatiful pieces along the way? Or is what I really want, and what I have not yet really tasted, 5-body intimacy that fills my being and my cup full?

Day 4

This morning I had the experience of feeling sad about connecting to another woman during a 'letting the heart speak' practice. I feel sad and glad to have experienced intimacy in this way and to feel closer to Andrea. I feel sad that I have been living my life chasing something bigger and as a result sweeping intimacy through feelings under the carpet. My heart also longs for 5-body intimacy and I remind myself to walk before I can run, to take the journey step by step and to not expect something to be available when I still need to do the ground work.

Day 5

I feel sad and scared and angry about my incompetence at navigating soaces with other parents when I notice that they are disempowering their children. And what I notice is that I'm scared about disconnection with the parent as a result of what I bring. I'm sad that I get stuck in my head with my impulses, trying to work out how I might say something that it would land best instead of going anyway. I'm scared about irreperable messes with others. And I feel angry about not saying anything too. And whilst I feel glad that I did finally say something today, I feel scared about where and how it may have landed. And despite asking if there was anything to share about it and getting a no, I sense something in the space. I feel scared about navigating the parenting space as such a sensitive topic.

Day 6

It's raining and I'm looking at the mess in the living room thinking that I'd really like to hoover the floor. And I'm trying to ignore it because this is the time I have dedicated to working. Centre. Ground. Bubble. My grounding cord is yellow. I keep taking my centre back from the floor, my tiredness, and the spider I just saw crawling away. Elliot comes back from taking Evelyn for her nap and surprise - he asks if I want to connect. I say yes. I need to rethink my schedule...

Day 7

I feel scared and sad about the results I am seeing when connecting with others. I feel angry about my inability to communicate what is in my eart and angry about discerning what needs to be said and how to say it and that I am so incompetent. I'm angry that I assume I need to communicate everything and get myself into messes. What is authenticity and integrity otherwise? How can I keep discerning what is my box, being and gremlin and what ego states I am communicating from? I want more clarity and feedback about it!

Day 8

This morning I had a process with Tristan Girdwood. What came out of that is a practice with anti values. The value that I carry is related to pride, being a good performer, disciplined, well behaved and something I picked up from my secondary school which was considered one of the best in the area until the headmaster died. I also need to be accepted which gets in the way of my bright principle of integrity and blocks me from speaking. I create pressure on myself to say what is inside and what results is burning bridges instead of creating them. My practice is a 3,3,3 anti value related to mess, being rude, disruptive and loud. This creates mass on the opposite side of the spectrum so that I can create more access to who I am, unrelated to the layer of value I have placed onto myself.

Day 9

I feel scared and glad to have committed to the Archiarchal Women's Intimacy Journey with Elliot as my partner. I am taking a stand for being the source of creating intimacy in the relating space and creating clarity around my boundaries. Today I feel glad about what worked, which is that when I connected to my sadness and softened, that Elliot could also do the same. In his words, when I soften and come out from behind my rock, he could also do that. I feel glad to be going first and scared that a part of me may be rescuing the relationship. To be continued...

Day 10

I feel a mid level background sadness today. This morning I had an emotional healing process (EHP) with James which took me somewhere I didn't expect and since this I have been very liquid. I was unable to concentrate on any of the work I wanted to do and ended up having a much needed nap on the couch in the sun. I also started watching a video about the planetary metacrisis and am transported to a place of despair, not dissimilar to when I was studying for my MSc.

Day 11

I'm angry that I can't speak what is inside. I don't want to be so concerned about being accepted. I want to practise speaking up, even if it means burning bridges because that will happen anyway! I don't want our children to grow up as numb lone wolves and I WILL NOT LONGER KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. I will practise being messy and getting beeps because it matter how we raise our kids. No longer will I please you by not saying what it is that you don't want to hear. No longer will I hold back my love because I'm scared of how you will react. Even if you don't see it as Love. Even though you may choose to hate me because of it. I can do it because that is what my Mother taught me... how to love, even when I hated her.

Day 12

Today I celebrate speaking to a Mother of 2 at the library and telling her about my recent article and asking if she wanted to read it. Then I wrote down for her where she could find it. I celebrate speaking to people from my centre and giving out an Ontree card to Margot at Revite. I celebrate speaking with the woman working at the Family Service Centre and asking if she would also speak with families about my parenting space... she said she would let the Mother's in her circle know. I also celebrate taking a stand for the evolution of my spaceholding and allowing the possibility of writing a letter to enter my space and then to write it to a community who is hesitant to welcome me as an apprentice spaceholder.

Day 13

Today I asked Elliot to share 3 things that he appreciates about me. I was surprised and glad to ask this question and to receive his response. Two of his appreciations were related to how I bring him to his edge, one about having uncomfortable conversations with people, another about me sharing more of my joy. He shared that hearing me and Evelyn laughing together on the trampoline makes his heart sing more than the dawn chorus. He appreciates my care for the beings around me, and how the surrounding environment affects them. This morning we had our first culture to culture conversation as a team. I let him know that I appreciate being on each others team in that and that I want more. We also noticed what we might shift next time, like holding a transformational listening space.

Day 14

Today I was so tired when Evelyn woke around 7AM for milk. We snuggled in for a feed and then she was very active and all I wanted was to roll back over so I gave her the possibility of playing with the items in the toy box in the bedroom. She did this and it worked fairly well, and she would come back to me occasionally to share something. Then Elliot got up and took her downstairs. I woke up again around 11AM!! I noticed my initial guilt and then realised that he would have come and got me if it wasn't okay. I was so grateful, also because he knows that I am in the autumnal season of my cycle approaching my bleed. He then took Evelym out to the market and I had some more time for myself. I spent half of that time dealing with a very scary message I wanted to send and then I did some yoga and ate some food whilst watching memetic speaking practise numbr 7. What is so cool is that Elliot let me know that this morning Eevlyn was mostly playing with the baby doll that she got from the toy box in the bedroom. I also found that I could read some of my book this afternoon whilst she played by herself too. This weekend seems to have brought a shift in her independent play.

Day 15

Tonight I connected with my sadness of being touched that Annika cares for the connection between her and Evelyn and me by coming to visit and stay with us. I feel sad that she would buy Evelyn stickers and connect with her and be fed by her love and that Evelyn also loves Annika and wants to be with her. Later I negotiated intimacy with Elliot and we spoke about the possibility of a 2nd child. He mentioned the state of the world as to why it is not a yes for him at the moment. I felt some of my hope die for a shift to happen that might change the course of where we are currently heading after he mentioned that Canada is on fire and the Phillipines is under water.

Day 16

It was so difficult to extract myself from the bed tonight after taking Evelyn to bed. It took her a long time to fall asleep and I possibly also fell asleep. My whole body wanted to stay there. I pulled myself out with my commitment to the Archiarchal Women's Journey to negotiate intimacy with Elliot. All I wanted to do was spoon. I found my way to negotiate this through his offer to stretch mozarella together which sounded fun. And I did say yes initially thn realised all I wanted to really do was spoon. So now we go to bed.

Day 17

Period day. I notice I've been beating myself up a lot today. It started with the decision to do something in order to get it done instead of letting it go and fully resting. This set off a cascade of events and my anger about not allowing myself the space to be. It links to not accepting where I'm at, trying to be reasonable and thinking I should be able to push through. I notice some old patriarchal thoughtware about resting on day 1 being weak. That it is burdensome for others, Elliot in this case, who was with Evelyn all day. I slept for 3 hours, this is a celebration in itself, and all I can access today is that I was not useful.

Day 18

The stench was becoming too much to bare. I wanted that rotting rodent to be found. It seemed that a weka answered my call. To my disgust and delight, as I passed the foul smell, I came across a weka that had made its way into the room. It had ousted the rat from its hiding place in which the cat must have dropped it. The weka had pooed on the carpet and I used my anger and fear to navigate it out of the room without it pooing on something more difficult to clean. I was angry because Annika had offered to take Evelyn so I could rest and now it seemed I had a clean up mission on my hands. During the clean up another weka went in and this time it got caught in an awkward place. I'm glad it only pooed on the wooden floor (as far as I could tell). I retched twice removing the rat. Then I discovered that the weka had been in the bedroom too. 5 poos on the carpet, 1 on the windowsill and a wee? on my bed. Fabulous... Thanks Weka. Not managing to locate the rodent previously came at a high price! It seems the weka found it where I left it outside, because when I came to put it on the compost it had disappeared. Good riddance!

Day 19

We took Evelyn to see the horses today. Kira came with her 3 dogs. Evelyn loves being with animals and talks about seeing the horses every day. My fear rose and let me know that we had been there an hour already so we got into the car and true enough we had been there an hour. I feel glad to feel my fear radar on this week in relation to time. Another instance this week was during my massage with Karen and suddenly my fear rose to check the time and true enough I had to leave! I realise I had also ignored more subtle fear which would have meant me leaving without as much speed.